July 6th 2016, Doha, Qatar

When asked about his (much appreciated) opinion about my blog, one of the friends I chat with told me that I say too much that I’m free…
Freedom has always been my obsession, even though my everyday realities, my actions, my declared beliefs, my formation and profession showed everything but that freedom I seek for, that liberty of spirit, of poem and bird’s song, that wandering around the boundaries of mind and social constraint, that losing yourself in the different ways your imagination might find, that carelessness of laughter and that feeling of security in the most not secure environments and certainty that you will be forever young…
Forever young.
Everyone knows who Lana del Rey is, but I think she is me. Another me. Because her lyrics are the description of my thoughts and inner feeling that I either did not know or could not or was afraid to express and declare out loud.
“I am fucking crazy
But I am free”

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I was in the winter of my life …
But I didn’t really mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted, and then losing it to know what true freedom is.
When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I’d been living, they asked me why – but there’s no use in talking to people who have “home”.
They have no idea what it’s like to seek safety in other people – for home to be wherever you lay your head.
I was always an unusual girl.
My mother told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality; just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean…
And if I said I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way I’d be lying…
Because I was born to be the other woman.
Who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone.
Who had nothing, who wanted everything, with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about it, and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.

I’ve been out on that open road
You can be my full time daddy,
White and gold
Singing blues has been getting old
You can be my full time baby,
Hot or cold

Don’t break me down
I’ve been traveling too long
I’ve been trying too hard
With one pretty song

I hear the birds on the summer breeze,
I drive fast, I am alone in midnight
Been trying hard not to get into trouble,
But I, I’ve got a war in my mind
So, I just ride, just ride,
I just ride, just ride

Dying young and I’m playing hard
That’s the way my father made his life an art
Drink all day and we talk ’til dark
That’s the way the road dogs do it – ride ’til dark.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m fucking crazy
I’m tired of driving ’til I see stars in my eyes
It’s all I’ve got to keep myself sane, baby
So I just ride, I just ride
I just ride, just ride…

Every night I used to pray that I’d find my people, and finally I did on the open road.
We had nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired anymore, except to make our lives into a work of art.
Live fast. Die young. Be wild. And have fun.
I believe in the person I want to become.
I believe in the freedom of the open road.
And my motto is the same as ever:
“I believe in the kindness of strangers. And when I’m at war with myself I ride, I just ride.”
Who are you?
Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them?
I have. I am fucking crazy.
But I am free.

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