August 8th 2016, on a flight from Doha to Madrid
Infinite-infinite-end of cycle. Or not.
Pampered in the best way by my colleagues, impressed with tears by the little things someone can do for you when they want, making you the most special person in the world. Listening to Julio Iglesias – To all the girls I’ve loved before on the way to Madrid. Thinking of La Lupe – Teatro song I listened at Vizcaya in Miami.
Thinking of him, the one I met exactly one month ago. Of my weakness and the pain and baggage I come with from the past. Of stiffness, of lack of communication, of extreme care in a relationship for the other.
So many times I’ve said people love their unhappiness and never thought of it from a different angle. That people are afraid of Happiness. Afraid with capital letter of happiness with capital letter. As I write this I think about me walking with T. in Montreal, soaking up the sun and chasing nothing. Wanting nothing, expecting nothing.
Oh, expectations. Did they ruin me?
Unattachment – Microsoft Word does not even recognize this word. Have I understood it too late? Have I not understood it? Love without expectations – can I do that?
Instinct is my angel. Or angels carry my instinct.
11s. I’m again in the 11 phase. 17:14 on someone’s watch showing 17 on top and 14 underbeath. 11 and 11. Gate A11. The best in flight treatment in my life. Truly genuine.
Where are my lessons? Where is my control. What happened? Have I stopped believing?
Caruso playing. I have been listening to it obsessively for a while.
Album no. 56 33.
Dreaming about him. What a bitch I’ve been and how kind he is. I said he feels I did not miss him because I don’t miss him the way he wants me to miss him.
I guess it does not mean he does not love me because he does not do it the way I want.
One of Monet’s 17 waterlillies on a screen on the right. My mom’s screen. The painting in MoMa, where we were together exactly one year ago. Life is amazing. Life is good.
Through the seats I see the new movie of George Clooney – I don’t watch movies much and my father taught me to watch more things at one time. I see the guy threatening Clooney with a gun and I’m thinking about the guy I’ve just met who was threatened twice with the gun at his head.
My mind. Cannot stop running?.
Have I lost him?
I feel not, but he wants to say yes.
My way in Spanish by Julio. Damn it, this is how I want to live. Free. Yet, although I said I cut and threw my chains, I either got them back or created other ones.
Currently fighting with them.
Later that day
The clouds flying underneath us.
Hey…by Julio Iglesias: Hey! Tu que sabes de amor…? No creas que the haces un favor cuando los hablas a las jente de amor…
Love is not what it is. Life is not what it is. I’m thinking as I’m looking at my right wrist as I pull my eyebrows gently. I want to zoom in and zoom out like I do with my camera.
August 9th 2016
Cand se-ntampla se si-ntampla. Lucrurile astea nu se intampla intamplator. – Madrid, somewhere in Madrid, by the airport.
Drinking champagne by the pool, talking to my mom about relationships.
August 10th 2016, Madrid, Spain, one day before I turn 26
Finally in the AirEuropa aircraft flying to Cuba with mommy. To celebrate my birthday after midnight! ❤️
On Telva magazine, on a black and white page showing the face of a woman form close, right under her eyes, I write 25 things I’ve done 11 August 2015-11 August 2016.
Life is good.
Dreaming of cigars, rum, Old Havana, the place where we’re going to stay, the beaches in Coco Cayo.
Booking a holiday is not easy. Past days I was booking tickets and hotels most of the times. Edinburgh – Doha – Madrid – Havana – Madrid – Cluj – Doha. Separate sectors, I mean. Hotels in 3 countries and 4 different places. Of course, I’m not complaining at all.
What does it mean to go to Cuba? How do you book a place to stay? Of course, if you don’t go by travel agencies – which I never do. I value my time and money and I like to spend time where I like to, and skip what I don’t want. I tried a bit with guided tours, but soon – and in some unique settings in Bangkok – I realized I was not born for it.
I love the holidays I make with my mom and I think – because she always sent me in all the trips – she developed in me the love for “going away”. For exploring, for knowing and embracing the world.
The past more or less month I felt I’m not evolving much, actually I felt I’m on the other side of the fence. I got to the point to realize I’m actually working on the biggest issues of my life and of anyone’s life – relationship with the same sex and relationship with the opposite sex. Stemming from the relationship with parents, reflecting in the relationships in general and love relationships.
I found a nice place to stay on central Havana on Airbnb but if you don’t have an American IP and American Credit card, don’t even bother to go through the verification phase.
There is a button saying Talk to the host and you can send your email address to them, but make sure you write go-ogle or ya-hoo or anything encrypted cause otherwise the site will block it.
I’m about to find out how internet works in Cuba but excited for the next days in La Habana and Coco Cayo.
If last year was Summer in New York, this year will be Summer in Cuba. New adventures, here I come.
La Lupe (Cuban) – Teatro, continuously playing in my mind. Birthday in La Habana.
Flying over the Atlantic Ocean, midway to Cuba. Reading an interview of conflict zone journalist Javier Espinosa, kidnapped by ISIS and kept for more than half an year. Living in Lebanon. Thinking of him, writing letter with him.
Getting close to my destiny and I know I will say…”I knew it all along”. Because the truth is that I know it since I’m 5.